Bus Ride to HELL

Today was a simple bus ride, an easy travel day. First, I found a scooter guy, did the tough negotiation, walked off when the price wasn't right and was called back. OK, we go. Six kilometers to the bus stations. Then, in one of my little quirks, the one that involves loving to fuck with the Tuk-Tuk and scooters guys, I tipped him when we got there. After a tough round of bartering, this always cracks them up.

My timing was good and the next bus was in thirty minutes, time to have a piss (costs 2,000 dong) and get a seat. The bus was only half full, a joy, and off we went through the hammering heat. So far, so good. Until the bus mistress climbed aboard.

Every bus, be it local or not, has a bus boy or a bus mistress. They rule the roost. DO NOT mess with them. They have all the power AND they are the only ones who can tell you when you are supposed to get off. Trust me on this one. I have walked the extra kilometer caused by a too early or to late disembarkation.

Back to this particular bus mistress. Picture Aunt Bea from Mayberry RFD. For those of you too young to remember Aunt Bea (this includes you, Nathan) go watch Nick-at-Night. Now, picture Aunt Bea as a Vietnamese woman. Are ya with me so far? OK, here is where is gets tricky. Imagine that our Vietnamese Aunt Bea, looking all sweet and motherly "Oh Andy, have another piece of pie on the porch while I fix some lemonade...", picture that Vietnamese Aunt Bea as an evil storm trooper from Star Wars, except one that could shoot straight. Wait, that's not it exactly. Picture her as an Orc from Mordor, one of the really bad-assed Orcs. Now give her a built-in megaphone to magnify her already incredibly screechy voice. We are getting close now. Now imagine yourself trapped in a rattly local Vietnamese bus with this demon from hell, a demon who screams foully at everything and everyone, without a pause, for three hours.

In all honesty, for all I know this creature was making loving comments the whole time and just had an extremely annoying and grating way of doing it. I do not really know. But if I had a blaster, well Luke, that would have been that.